I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
did you just send me my own nude
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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