taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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