tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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