mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
