You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
