"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
