she woke up with a sticky ear
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
