Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im holly from the hills drunk
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
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just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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