I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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