my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
