Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
