My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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