My liver just broke up with me...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
