my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
