I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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