my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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