im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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