I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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