yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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