3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
