bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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