I got chris browned last night
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
