Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
