Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize