You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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