Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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