I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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