Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
