I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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