he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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