yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
