It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
