Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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