Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
