I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize