It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
