Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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