dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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