She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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