I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
