i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
