My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
