Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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