I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
