woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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