Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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