so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
