Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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