Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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