everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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