I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
