That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
