Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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