i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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