I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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