It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dating After Heartbreak
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.