Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
