I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
