I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
