Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
