The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
