In the future we'll all be gay
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
