I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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